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This project was inspired by the comments about this “Nice Guy’s Lament,” on Myspace. If you’re interested in seeing more feedback to the ideas presented in this poem (original text in bold), then please check those comments out here:http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=5676

This made me cry.

Funny, because it just makes me angry.

I’m sorry

that i bought you roses

to tell you that i like you

I’m sorry that you’re the kind of person that expects something in return for being loving toward your friends.

I’m sorry

That I was raised with respect

not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I’m sorry that you expect to be adulated for simply deciding not t o commit a heinous crime (although, evidently, the thought did cross your mind when you noticed that I was vulnerable.)

I’m sorry

That my body’s not ripped enough

to “satisfy” your wants

I’m sorry that you assume that all women are attracted to society’s “ideal” male body type; I’m also sorry that you don’t see me as an individual enough to actually find out what traits (beyond cosmetic features) attract me to someone. Apparenly, all women are the same, and we are all vapid.

I’m sorry

that I open your car door,

and pull out your chair like I was raised

I’m pretty sure we already had this expecting-to-be-rewarded –for- simple- decent behavior conversation… and I’m still sorry that you apparently do nice things for others only when you think you will get something from them for it.

I’m sorry

That I’m not cute enough

to be “your guy”

I’m sorry that you think I’m so shallow

That a nice face is all I look for in a potential partner

I’m sorry that you’ve accused me of being unable to see past good looks into a real human being, and still manage to continue believing  that you are ”not an asshole.”

I’m sorry

I don’t have a huge bank account

to buy you expensive things

I’m sorry that

  1. you have apparently suffered some kind of bizarrely specific amnesia that makes you believe that it’s still 1900, and thus, a woman would be unable to buy the things she may want without your assistance.
  2. This is the third time that you’ve intimated that I’m shallow (please see “asshole” annotation above).

I’m sorry

I like to spend quality nights at home cuddling with you,

instead of at a club

I’m sorry that you feel the your style of passing an evening is, somehow, inherently superior to mine. (Also, I’m a little sorry that you feel it’s alright to “cuddle” me—i.e. touch me in an intimate manner—when, by your own admission, we are friends, and nothing else).

I’m sorry

That I am always the one you need to talk to,

but never good enough to date

I’m sorry that I didn’t know that you viewed conversations as bargaining chips with which to buy a romantic relationship from me before I started talking to you.

I’m sorry

That I am “just” a friend

I am sorry that you view our friendship as just a means to an end.

I’m sorry

If I start not being there,

and being used as a door mat,

only to be thrown to the side when the new asshole comes around

I’m sorry if you’re confused as to why you might be brushed aside when you repeatedly refer to my current boyfriend as an “asshole.”

I’m sorry

If I don’t answer my phone anymore when you call,

to listen to you cry for hours,

instead of getting a couple hours of sleep before work

I’m sorry that you lack the courage and integrity to tell me that you would rather I not call you at night, because you need to get up early the following day. If you’d bothered to be honest, I would have understood, and called someone else.

I’m sorry that you can’t realize..

I’ve been the one all along.

I’m sorry tha you feel you are better qualified to decide what I want and need in a partner than I am.

I’m sorry

If you read this and know somebody like this

but don’t care

But most of all

I’m sorry

For not being sorry anymore

I’m a little sorry that you’re not sorry, too.

I’m sorry

That you can’t accept me for who I am

I’m sorry that you expect me to be someone that I am not (i.e. someone who’s romantically interested in you), and yet you are being self-righteous about me not accepting you for who you are.

I’m sorry

I can never do anything right,

and nothing that I do is good enough to make it in your world.

I’m sorry that your perspective is so narrow that you fail to see that having my tears on your shoulder and my struggles in your ear does constitute being “in my world.”

I’m sorry

I caught your bf with another girl and told you about it,

I thought that was what friends were for…

I’m sorry that you feel I should jump into a relationship with you because you were nice enough to tell me that my last boyfriend was cheating, without giving a thought to the consideration that I might not be over that incident yet. Evidently, what’s emotionally healthy or wise for my life is irrelevant as long as you have your new girlfriend.

I’m sorry

That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.

I’m sorry that you feel I owe you something because you told me that you loved me.

I’m sorry

That I talked to you for nine hours on Thanksgiving when your bf was threatening you instead of spending time with my family.

I’m sorry that you’re the kind of person that makes sacrifices for others without being forced, and then throws them back in your “friends’” faces when the sacrifice doesn’t yield the results that you want.

I’m sorry that I cared.

We’ve had this I-expect-you-to-sleep-with-me-because-I-act-like-a-good-person conversation twice. Every time you fail to grasp the concept that this attitude, in facts, negates your “nice guy” status, I am more and more sorry.

Ladies always bitch and bitch to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies next time you’re bitching, maybe look up to see who you’re bitching to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head “Why won’t you give me a chance?”

“Nice guys” always bitch about the fact that girls prefer so-called, “bad guys.” Well, Nice Guys, the next time  you’re bitching about the fact that you’re extraordinary  niceness isn’t getting you the payout you want—i.e. a girlfriend — consider how “nice” your mercenary attitude really makes you.

The next time you are listening to a girl’s problems planning to use the gesture as ammunition if she doesn’t thank you with either a one-night-stand or an invitation to the Prom, maybe look in a mirror and think about whether or not you actually care about her as a human being, or only as your potential  reward for being so very very “nice.”

Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

because your female friends are people, not prizes.